No Pussyfooting in Cock Tales

 

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It takes a lot of spunk to call your play Cock Tales. And then to tack on “Shame on Me!” Exclamation mark! This clearly shows you’re not ashamed at all. You’re brazening it out. That’s Debra Ehrhardt for you. This cocky Jamaican playwright and actress is certainly not afraid to talk up di tings. After the spectacular success of her brilliant one-woman play, Jamaica Farewell, Debra’s back with another winner.

Cock Tales is about penises and the men attached to them. It’s also about how one woman deals with the penises she unexpectedly comes upon. From childhood to adulthood! But, as Debra coyly admitted on ‘CVM at Sunrise’ last Thursday, it’s not all that many penises.

In the programme notes, Debra reveals her husband’s reaction to Cock Tales: “When my husband heard the name of my new show, he about lost his mind. I gently explained that his penis was not the first I’d encountered in my life, and that Cock Tales and all my one-woman shows have come from my own life experiences.”

Debra’s play addresses serious social issues such as sexual abuse of girls and sexual repression in Christian families. But there’s also lots of humour. When a well-dressed man on a train in New York invites Debra to view his penis, she raucously exposes him, much to the delight of the audience on the train and in the theatre. Debra skilfully seduces us to laugh even when she’s dealing with trauma. It’s a subtle art. Laughter often masks pain. And it also helps us cope with pain.

PASTOR COULDA NEVER DO DAT!

th-1Debra grew up in a Seventh-day Adventist home. The church doesn’t come off so well in the play. Pastor White offers the young girl a ride home. In the seclusion of the car, he grabs her hand and places it on his penis. She knows it’s a sin and puts up loud resistance. And she tells her mother.

Fortunately for Debra, her mother believes her. They dash off to the pastor’s home to confront him. Many abused girls aren’t so lucky. Their mothers refuse to even consider the possibility that the child is a victim of abuse. Not if the predator is an upstanding member of the community. And certainly not if he brings groceries regularly! No sah! Pastor coulda never do dat!

Cock Tales makes us contemplate the shame that victims of abuse often endure. That’s the other meaning of “Shame on Me!” It’s the victim who feels shame. Not the heartless attacker. And no matter how innocent the child, she is tainted by abuse. And it can mark her for life. Yu never hear what happen to her? Poor thing! Her life mash up now. She done fah. And the perpetrator of the crime often gets off scot-free.

Of course, I’m not going to tell you all the tales in Debra’s play. You have to go and see for yourself. The play opened last Wednesday at the Jamaican Shopping Club Theatre, formerly Green Gables, on Cargill Avenue. It’s on from Wednesday to Sunday until the 19th of February. Seventh-day Adventists should turn out in large numbers to look in Debra’s mirror. It’s an opportunity for reflection. I hope it’s not still a sin to go to the theatre.

FOUR CAN’T PLAY

Cock Tales isn’t the only play in town that’s dealing with men out of control. Basil Dawkins’ Four Can’t Play is on at the Little Little Theatre. It stars Oliver Samuels. He’s not the bad guy. His only problem is a very bad case of snoring. The villain is an irrationally jealous man who attacks anyone he thinks is attracted to his wife. He ends up in prison. Again, the play’s serious message is delivered with much humour.

Then there’s Tek Yuh Han Off A Mi, written by Michael Dawson, the local producer of Cock Tales. He also wrote the song of the same name that’s performed by Queen Ifrica. The play deals with domestic violence. And it attempts to free men and women trapped in co-dependence. It’s on today at 6 o’clock at the Jamaican Shopping Club Theatre.

blow-the-whistle-for-truth-t-shirts-mens-premium-t-shirtDebra Ehrhardt’s Cock Tales couldn’t have come to Jamaica at a better time. The constant abuse of girls by powerful men in and out of the Church has now provoked national condemnation. I hope it’s not a nine-day wonder. The abuse of children really isn’t news. We’ve long known about it. But it’s often hushed up. Debra has certainly blown the whistle on this nasty issue. Very loudly!

The Bible says, “A whistling woman and a crowing hen are an abomination to the Lord.” Actually, no! That sentence does not appear anywhere in the Bible. It sounds like it should be in the Book of Proverbs. But it’s not.

Donald Trump’s right-hand woman, Kellyanne Conway, might very well insist that it’s there in the Bible. But that would be an ‘alternative fact’ – a downright lie from a shameless con artist.

Even though the Bible doesn’t condemn whistling women or crowing hens, supposedly holy men of God have used the ancient book for centuries to silence women and keep us in our subservient place. But women keep on putting up resistance fearlessly. In Cock Tales, Debra doesn’t pussyfoot around. She stamps on abusers and shamelessly crows down deviant men: Cock-a-doodle don’t!

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Mi No Want No Woman Look Mi!

Two spelling systems are used for the Jamaican language below. The first, which I call ‘chaka-chaka’, is based on English spelling. The second, ‘prapa-prapa’, is the specialist system designed by the Jamaican linguist Frederic Cassidy. It has been updated by the Jamaican Language Unit at the University of the West Indies, Mona. After the two Jamaican versions, there’s an English translation.

CHAKA-CHAKA SPELLING

imagesEverywhere mi turn, macca jook mi. Look how mi a try emancipate miself from mental slavery. Mi a defend gay people rights inna fi wi country. It look like mi mighta ha fi go stop. Trouble deh a road, mi naa bring it a mi yard.

Di whole a wi inna Jamaica grow pon Bible. An from yu a pikni, big people tel yu seh man an woman business a no fi pikni. An wen yu grow lickle bigger, dem mek yu know seh man fi sex woman an woman fi sex man. No man an man an woman an woman slackness! Dem seh a so God seh inna Bible.

Mi memba di first funny man mi know. Im did work inna one beauty parlour pon di same road weh mi did live. Mi a bout eight, nine. Dem deh age. An mi get fi understand seh im never ‘normal’. Im did walk an wine, an im hair did straighten. An im a hairdresser! Dem deh time, dat a woman work.

Mi can’t member di first funny woman mi know. It look like seh wi no so fussy bout dem deh woman inna Jamaica. A di funny man dem wi tek set pon. An chruu woman an woman a fren, an woman love hug up dem fren, woman coulda funny an yu no know.

‘BRAZEN PROPOSITION’

All dis fi seh, mi did get one next email from ‘Jordan’ last week. It funny. But it never sweet mi. A now mi know how di man dem feel wen man try hold dem down an dem no want it. Mi a big woman. Mi know mi mind. Mi naa follow ‘Bible’ go burn fire pon gay people. Mi have lesbian fren. But mi naa sex dem. Mi no gay, an mi no want no woman look mi.

Si di email ya: “Good day Prof Cooper, how are you? I took a look at your blog it’s nicely set up. The articles are interesting.The patois makes me dizzy though as we read only english during my time at UWI. I know you don’t remember me but we ‘met’ briefly on the jogging trail a few mornings. I’ve always hoped you were gay but i never had the courage as a student to make such a brazen proposition!

books_4“It would be good to have intelligent gay role models for homosexual youth in Jamaica, however i don’t think our society is ready for this.The PM seems to share the same sentiment as evidenced by her apparent avoidance of the issue which i believe to be a wise decision at this time. Developing a thriving economy and minimising corruption should be top priority …. well things may change unexpectedly … look what happened in Brazil a few years ago! Anyhow take care and keep up the exercise …. you look good girl !”

Liberty come from carelessness. It look like mi ha fi go stop write column fi Gleaner an tek bak mi privacy. If a no cuss dem a cuss mi, a look dem a look mi. Di ongle smaddy mi want look mi a one nice, ageable genkleman. No young boy. No old man. No married man. No man weh a sex man an uman. Yu ha fi can read an write. Yu ha fi have teeth. If yu qualify, come put argument. Otherwise, beg yu please lef mi in peace!

PRAPA-PRAPA SPELIN

Evri we mi ton, maka juk mi. Luk ou mi a chrai imansipiet miself fram mental slievri. Mi a difen gie piipl raits ina fi wi konchri. It luk laik mi maita a fi go tap. Chrobl de a ruod, mi naa bring it a mi yaad.

Di uol a wi iina Jamieka gruo pan Baibl. An fram yu a pikni, big piipl tel yu se man an uman bizniz a no fi pikni. An wen yu gruo likl biga, dem mek yu nuo se man fi seks uman an uman fi seks man. No man an man an uman an uman slaknis! Dem se a so Gad se iina Baibl.

Mi memba di fos foni man mi nuo. Im did work inna one beauty parlour pon di same road weh mi did live. Mi a bout iet, nain. Dem de iej. An mi get fi andastan se im neva ‘naamal’. Im did waak an wain, an im ier did chrietn. An im a ierjresa. Dem de taim, dat a uman work.

Mi kyaahn memba di fos foni uman mi nuo. It luk laik se wi no so fosi bout dem de uman iina Jamieka. A di foni man dem wi tek set pan. An chruu uman an uman a fren, an uman lov og op dem fren, uman kuda foni an yu no nuo.

‘BRAZEN PROPOSITION’

Aal dis fi se, mi did get wan neks iimail fram ‘Jordan’ laas wiik. It foni. Bot it neva swiit mi. A nou mi nuo ou di man dem fiil wen man chrai uol dem dong an dem no waahnt it. Mi a big uman. Mi nuo mi main. Mi naa fala ‘Baibl’ go bon faiya pan gie piipl. Mi av lesbiyan fren. Bot mi naa seks dem. Mi no gie, an mi no waahn no uman luk mi.

dizzySi di iimiel ya: “Good day Prof Cooper, how are you? I took a look at your blog it’s nicely set up. The articles are interesting.The patois makes me dizzy though as we read only english during my time at UWI. I know you don’t remember me but we ‘met’ briefly on the jogging trail a few mornings. I’ve always hoped you were gay but i never had the courage as a student to make such a brazen proposition!

“It would be good to have intelligent gay role models for homosexual youth in Jamaica, however i don’t think our society is ready for this.The PM seems to share the same sentiment as evidenced by her apparent avoidance of the issue which i believe to be a wise decision at this time.Developing a thriving economy and minimising corruption should be top priority …. well things may change unexpectedly …. look what happened in Brazil a few years ago! Anyhow take care and keep up the exercise …. you look good girl !”

Libati kom fram kielisnis. It luk laik mi a fi go tap rait kalam fi Gleaner an tek bak mi praivisi. If a no kos dem a kos mi, a luk dem a luk mi. Di ongl smadi mi waan luk mi a wan nais, iejibl jenklman. No yong bwai. No uol man. No marid man. No man we a seks man an uman. Yu a fi kyan riid an rait. Yu a fi av tiit. If yu kwalifai, kom put aagyument. Adawaiz, beg yu pliiz lef mi in piis!

ENGLISH TRANSLATION

I Don’t Want Women To Proposition Me!

emancipate-ourselves-from-mental-slavery-big-text1At every turn, I’m under attack.  I’ve been trying so hard to emancipate myself from mental slavery. I’ve been defending gay  rights in Jamaica.  But it seems as if I might have to stop and start minding my own business.  I can’t take on other people’s troubles.

All of us in Jamaica were raised on the Bible. As children, we were told by adults that sex was not for minors.  As we grew older, we were taught that heterosexuality was the norm.  Homosexuality was condemned by God:  that’s what the Bible says.

I can still remember the first gay man I became aware of.  He worked in a beauty parlour on the same road where I lived. I was about eight or nine years old at the time.  And I came to realise he wasn’t ‘normal’.  He walked with a swing in his hips and his hair was straightened.  And he was a hairdresser!  Those days, that was women’s work.

I can’t remember the first gay woman I became aware of.   It seems as if we’re not so obsessed about them in Jamaica. It’s gay men who are constantly scrutinised. And since women are open about friendship and love to embrace each other, they could be gay and no one would be any the wiser.

‘BRAZEN PROPOSITION’

All that to say, I did get another email from ‘Jordan’ last week. It was funny. But I wan’t amused. Now I know how men feel when a man tries to have sex with them and they don’t want it. I’m an adult. I can make up my own mind. I’m not going to uncritically accept any interpretation of the Bible that claims we should call down hellfire on gay people. I have friends who are lesbian. But I’m not having sex with them.  I’m not gay and I don’t want to be propositioned by women.

Here’s the email: “Good day Prof Cooper, how are you? I took a look at your blog it’s nicely set up. The articles are interesting.The patois makes me dizzy though as we read only english during my time at UWI. I know you don’t remember me but we ‘met’ briefly on the jogging trail a few mornings. I’ve always hoped you were gay but i never had the courage as a student to make such a brazen proposition!

SMILEEE“It would be good to have intelligent gay role models for homosexual youth in Jamaica, however i don’t think our society is ready for this.The PM seems to share the same sentiment as evidenced by her apparent avoidance of the issue which i believe to be a wise decision at this time. Developing a thriving economy and minimising corruption should be top priority …. well things may change unexpectedly … look what happened in Brazil a few years ago! Anyhow take care and keep up the exercise …. you look good girl !”

People take liberties with you if you’re not careful. It looks as if I’m going to have to stop writing for the Gleaner and reclaim my privacy. If it’s not abuse, it’s unwelcome advances.  The only person I want to proposition me is a suitable gentleman of an appropriate age. No young boy. No old man. No married man. No man who is having sex with men and woman. You have to be literate. You must have teeth. If you qualify, you can make an offer. Otherwise,  please leave me in peace!